we are all moving in circles, around one another. we are all adrift on a tide of foamy nothingness, waiting for the flood to come and sweep us away. we never knew it would be like this, that the greenery trees and sparkling waves would betray us, and fade into empty sunset. that the vividness of life could ever be replaced by colorless ivory, stretching far into the horizon. we never knew that the white-satined gowns stored in the attic are now moth-eaten and crumbling, that the windows are covered with grime and our boxed-up memories (neatly labelled) silent beneath layers of dust. we are moving in circles, around our memories. careful not to collide, not to shift anything, not to awaken the sleeping voices of the past. our tears are useless, and few. our eyes are pale. life is slowly disappearing, the beauty seeping through the cracks of the dry ground beneath our feet. like rain seeping through the cracks in the wallpaper. like the useless tears that seep between our fingers.
rough and smooth, things blend together; we try to recreate our past and we die because the past is gone, we die because of regret, and loss, and longing. and even while we are dying, we still breathe and walk and talk, and die, and die, and die. because we are moving in circles, trying to get back to a forgotten past, trying not to be pulled forward into the unforgiving future. who we are is who we were, and the circles are spinning faster now, threatening to pull us under.

life seems slightly aimless at the moment, one day fading into another and fading into evening, only your books and memories to keep you company. lying on your bed smoking, you try desperately to forget the past, but faces flash through your brain, and you feel like you're back. back in high school, your long hair loose and tucked under a scarf, sucking in the smoke from a quick cigarette in the toilets, sitting huddled in a stall, hearing the rain outside. dirty smudged walls NICKY WAS HERE 1996 and wondering who nicky was, and where she is now. wondering if she passed her exams, that you are certain youre about to fail. wondering when the boy you have a crush on is going to finally corner you in a darkened classroom and try to kiss you. thinking about what youre going to do that weekend, and whether your parents will notice if you come home drunk again. then your life turns upside-down unexpectedly, when you get everything you wanted - the kiss, the clubs, the alcohol and even the drugs - and its not enough. and you meet someone. someone who doesnt fit into your picture frame. someone who transports you to a different world. so that the grey reality surrounding you is only a background to your vividly colourful life. your wildly-flying feelings. now you see the world, the long corridors, the bleak bathrooms, the droning lecturers and the phony friendships, through his eyes. everything seems mysterious and foreign to you now, even yourself.
and then he goes away, and you know it was always like that. him one foot out the door, you with both feet planted firmly on the ground, and both of you with your heads in the sky.
so you meet in the sky.

they keep postponing the damn war.
i'm so tense, every morning i wake up expecting to see mass destruction and people dying of bubonic plague in the middle of the streets, but no! i mean isnt that what they PROMISED???
well here's one theory about wars, and how we can cut corners for a better economy. he's got my vote.
i say elect him for president.

for those of you who speak german, this is a first-class website. i myself can barely understand it, but its sophistication and suave urbanity come through with ease, breaking through the language barrier like nothing i've seen before.

The Return Of The Cell Phone (Part 1)

once upon a time there was a girl named sally who had a cell phone. it wasnt the most advanced one on the market, but it was hers and she loved it and it was easy to use and even though she dropped it no less than six times a day, it never broke.
then one day she got a new job, and she was very happy. but in her new job they said she had to have another cell phone because of job-related things, and so they gave her one. sally was very confused because she had never had two cell phones before, and now she had to get used to new rings and new features and a new alarm clock even sometimes. but she valiantly recharged the new one and started using it, even putting some phone numbers in its memory. the new cell phone was small and silver and it was so light that she always had to worry if she had misplaced it somewhere. and it didnt vibrate so she could never hear when someone called her on it because she was always listening to music on her headphones. the new cell phone was very advanced and she felt like it was always glinting malevolently at her. she knew this was just A Figment Of Her Imagination but it still bothered her terribly, and sometimes she would even have nightmares about it. her old and trusted cell phone began to get a complex for not being as sophisticated and worldly as the new cell phone, and now when she dropped it sometimes it refused to work, or it bugged out on her and would do weird things with the screen. but sally knew that this was all part of her punishment for not paying enough attention to it, for now worrying about the two of them, instead of just the one.
one day sally sat with her old cell phone and sang to it a lovely song about how it was her best friend, and even if it wasnt all shiny and technological, it was still so very trustworthy and she never had to worry about losing it and it always vibrated so she never missed calls. the old cell phone was reassured and began performing as before, being reliable and always ringing properly and even letting her play the occasional game of Snake 2. the new cell phone did not care because he did not have any feelings and was emotionally unavailable for relationships. sitting smugly in his recharger and winking his red light onto the world.

The End.

as you can see, i've just now learned how to link sites. all the work of my patient webmaster, She.
a round of applause, please. i vow that if anybody can teach me even the most basic of html programming, they DESERVE all praise from anybody who knows it.

i feel like everyone should be reading The Brunching Shuttlecocks. all day.
i myself just spent the better part of three hours going through the site.
the trick is to go to the homepage and then click on Random Page and just see what comes up. i mean these guys are GOOD. really good.

here is my discourse on True Love.
is it a feeling that can still hit you, can still break down your carefully erected walls, even when you have trained yourself, or been trained, not to feel anything at all?
can it blast through your layers of cynicism and invulnerability, even when you dont want it to? even as you beg it not to?
or is it a feeling that has to be allowed inside?
they say that a person does not "fall" in love. they say that that implies a lack of control, a "falling", a cant-help-it-it-just-happened-to-me feeling. that can come and go at its own will. that leaves you as the thin tree, bending to the whims of your billowing, swaying desires.
they say that a person chooses. chooses the one he will love. chooses to make that love stay or go.
whenever i try repeat that to certain people, they get really, but i mean REALLY offended. somehow, it seems to them that i have taken the romanticism, the whimsical nature, the elusiveness and enchantment out of love, and made it into a logical, or at least concrete, fact.
people resent that. when i was a child i probably would have too. but we all have to grow up eventually. and growing up means realising the difference between our dreams and our realities.
people say to me, that when i fall in love one day, i'll stop spewing this nonsense about choices, and making things happen. that it will "just happen anyways" and then i'll know what they were all talking about.
but there are two secrets that i know.
the first is, that if i dont make space for it, i will never feel it.
the second is, that if i want love to stay, then i have to make it stay.
i think tom robbins said something like that too, once.

life in my treehouse is slowing down. winter has arrived, and the market for amateur beaded necklaces has dropped dangerously low. in economics i believe its called the law of supply and demand. i'm SUPPLYING, but theres no demand. i'm stuck with millions of infuriating little beads, and lots of unsold necklaces dangling from my wooden roof.
i've begun a philosophical study of palm trees, though. in my mind they all look like overgrown pineapples, sticking out of the ground. i'm certain that if you cut them open theyre dripping yellow tropical stuff in the middle. instead of just more brown bark.
i have been assured that this is a botanical impossibility, but i have my doubts. its slowly becoming an obsession with me, and i'm feeling a growing urge inside to just walk up to one (as casually as possible) with a big carving knife, and just see for myself.
the only thing holding me back at this point is that i'm unable to get hold of a really big knife, without saying what its for. i CANT say what its for, can i?

i'm beginning to feel decidedly useless, hanging around this weird blog-space. just that word, "blog", forces me to visualize weird green gooey people with hundreds of rolling eyes and burbling lips and some strange yellow land where they all live and go about their bloggy little lives. its beginning to creep me out, i wont lie to you. every time i close my eyes i can see them descending on me, with soft white teeth and spears. "All for one," they chant, "and one for all!"
then a leisurely village dinner, where they all eat lots of butter and fudge, and a good night's sleep.

i wonder what heaven's all about.
it may be whatever it is on earth you imagine heaven to be.
desires fulfilled, even empty ones. desires fulfilled so completely that youre shaken at the hollowness you feel inside.
hollow desires, hollow fulfillment.
most of the stuff our dreams are made of, is air and wisps of nothing. puffed out like cereal. made to look bigger, so much bigger, than they really are.